The best way to stop your inner critic

Having a negative voice in your head does not mean you are suffering from psychosis or schizophrenia or paranoid delusions. In fact, this constant “inner critic” - as mental health experts have dubbed this voice - is a fairly normal occurrence for most people. This inner critic often uses phrases like “You are SO selfish. Why would you say something like that?” or “Stop trying to be something you’re not. Everyone can see through you.” or “Well done for screwing that up again. How typical of you.” Sound familiar?

But when that inner critic begins to be a constant companion and turns increasingly abusive, people can begin to suffer from low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. But there is help at hand. Naming your inner critic has been proven to be an effective therapeutic technique to help sufferers with overwhelming inner critics battle the eternal noise of this negative brain chatter.

By naming your inner critic you are able to start distancing yourself from this abusive voice. The first thing is to start identifying who this voice belongs to. Most people think this voice is just their own thoughts, but if you start to analyse the types of things this inner critic says, you can often realise that it sounds like someone from your past - a critical parent, an unkind teacher, a bully from school, a nasty colleague, an abusive partner. Very often we reproduce critical remarks that have already been made to us in the past and use them on ourselves in the present. This then keeps us in a perpetual loop of negativity which we then continue to repeat when we perceive to have done something wrong in our lives.

Whether you can identify this voice or not (we have an effective technique below to help you if you’re struggling), try to picture the voice. You can imagine it in any form you like - think about the hair, the body shape, how they walk, what their face looks like - just as long as it doesn’t resemble yourself. Then choose a name. My name for my inner critic is Evil Edwina. I have heard others call theirs Negative Nancy, Chippy Chris, Moaning Mabel - whatever suits you.

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Studies have shown, we are more likely to accept bullying and unkindness from ourselves than we are from other people which is why we allow our inner critics to get away with saying some extremely abusive remarks. However, once you name the critic and distance yourself physically by imagining this voice as belonging to someone else, we are less likely to put up with such behaviour.

The LightHearts UK resident therapist, Liz Axham, explains: "Low self esteem stems from feelings entrenched from the past in our daily thoughts. Maintaining it though, is something we do in the now. Our inner dialogue can be either self soothing or self destructive. If your inner dialogue treats you like the worst school bully you need to address it. If you start to name it in the moment and catch it when it speaks at you, you can challenge it. Would you say that to your best friend? Your mother? Your kid? Likely not. So why is it okay to say it to yourself? Notice it, question it and challenge it."

Technique to Name & Shame Your Inner Critic

If you want to find out how damaging your personal inner critic is, here’s an effective technique which will firstly weed out that critic and then kick it to the kerb. So, if you’re in a particularly “beat yourself up” frame of mind when you are believing the horrible lies your inner critic is telling you, give this method a try:

1.        Pick up your phone, dial your own number and leave a message to yourself, saying all the things your inner critic is usually telling you. Really go for it. Snarl, growl and spit all those words that critic feels about you onto that message. This has the therapeutic effect of getting everything of your chest.

2.       Now go and get yourself a cup of tea, sit down and forget about it by distracting yourself with work, or a book or magazine for 15 minutes.  (Don’t go on social media because – as even Mark Zuckerberg has admitted – social media is not good for our mental wellbeing.)

3.       Now you’ve given yourself a bit of distance, ring back your voicemail and listen to that message you left yourself. Suddenly you will realise how horrible that voice is, and how if someone else left you that message you’d probably banish them from your life for good. Play it back a couple of times and try and figure out who that voice reminds you of. 

4.       Play the message back one last time and start to answer it back, get angry with it, shout at it, defend yourself. Tell that inner critic that you are no longer going to listen to its lies. Then delete the message.

5.       The last part of the process is to ring yourself back and leave a lovely message to yourself. Recount all the good qualities you have. Don’t be self-depreciating. You can be as boastful as you like because no one else is going to hear it but you. Remind yourself of all the wonderful things you’ve done, all the kind gestures you’ve made, all the tough times you’ve managed to come through. List everything you can think of. And then ring your voicemail and listen to that message.

6.       Keep that message and ring it whenever that inner critic pops up again.

Using this exact technique I discovered my Evil Edwina voice actually belongs to an old family friend. Every time we visited her I felt inadequate, judged, and at various times even ridiculed. By picturing this woman, I can depersonalise my inner voice and also distance herself from me and lessen the impact of her words. By doing this I am reinforcing the idea that this inner voice does not belong to me but is the voice of someone who I should actually just feel sorry for and ignore.

This woman’s name wasn’t Edwina but I named her that because I wanted to pierce that power with one of the most wonderful things we humans possess - humour. One of my favourite films is the Steve Martin comedy “All Of Me” (which ironically is about the spirit of one woman – Edwina - taking over the body of another woman.) It’s a film that has happy memories for me as I used to watch it with my best friend and we would always quote the phrase “Edwina! Back in bowl!”

So now whenever I need to minimise this voice in my head that’s popped up to criticise me, I say “Edwina! Back in Bowl!” Immediately, it has the effect of deflating the mean comments my inner critic is throwing at me and instead it makes me laugh and makes me realise how ridiculous those comments actually are. I also sometimes talk back to Edwina and say things like: “I’m not bad, I’m not stupid. I’m actually alright. I don’t have to listen to you anymore.”

We hope some of these techniques help you to banish your nasty inner critic. It always manages to pop up whenever we’re feeling vulnerable, but try to remember you have the power to turn away from it and not listen to its lies anymore.

For more help in quietening negative brain chatter just click on the button below to take you to two free online mental health & wellbeing courses that give helpful audios, videos, tips and expert advice on how to calm your mind and reduce anxiety and stress.

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