9 Tips on How to Mindfully Deal with Difficult People

Much of our stress in life comes from having to deal with difficult people, be they family members, work colleagues, neighbours or most usually in-laws. Here’s 9 useful tips using the technique of mindfulness that will reduce feelings of stress and, in some instances, actually turn your feelings around in a way that can change relationships for the better permanently.

1. Write out your anger

Anger can be cathartic by getting problems out in the open, however directing your anger towards the difficult person in question will only serve to make them feel threatened and then make them either return your anger or become defensive and withdrawn.

The alternative to that is going the passive-aggressive route where you cover up your hurt and grit your teeth. Unfortunately, as most of us subconsciously interpret and communicate using body language and micro-expressions, the difficult people in your life will be able to see how angry you are with them even though you’re not saying anything. This in turn creates tension. When your mind is churning with that much anger, you will find absolutely no peace and no solution will present itself. So the best way to get out that anger in a safe way is to put it to paper first.

Make sure you have a couple of hours on your own to rant and rage on the page. You can write it in the form of letter to the difficult person (just don’t post it!) or just write about how you feel right now and the hurtful memories you still hold. Rant, rave, cry, shake your fists – go through the anger thoroughly and completely.

Anger shows us there is a problem, and you can use it as part of the solution but only in a controlled way. It’s important to feel it in yourself, to accept it and to recognise it. Perhaps you can identify the feelings on the page with feelings you have experienced in other moments of your life. Is there a pattern there? Does your difficult person trigger feelings from childhood or other times in your past? What are the similarities?

For the next few days, just allow that anger to come out while breathing deeply. Say hello to the anger when it rises up. Literally say: “Hello Anger. Hello Pain.” Because your anger comes from a place of pain. As you feel it, take deep breaths and allow those feelings of anger to wash over and out of you. Do not turn away from your anger, don’t deny it. Ruminate on it, think about it, go through every facet of it. Read back through your writing and feel it all over again.

Then when you feel like this anger is lessening or you’re getting bored or tired of these feelings, take your piece of paper and rip up the page, burn it, bury it or flush it down the toilet. Start to let go of those angry feelings. You need to flush it out of your system to leave space for the next stages.

2. Create some distance

If you can, try to get some distance between you and the difficult person. If you are able to avoid them for a little while in order for your feelings to settle, try to do that. Don’t go to family events, miss out a visit or two, don’t answer the phone, don’t enter into any high-octane discussions that normally cause friction (politics is to be avoided!) Just hold back a little bit. Make some excuses as to why you need some time to yourself. It helps to get some perspective.

It also helps you to be more authentic. In most social situations with difficult people, hiding your hurt and plastering a smile across your face politely while pretending nothing is wrong means you are not being truthful about the situation.

Creating distance can help you to act more truthfully by owning your feelings. It diffuses any anger and means you can catch your breath and create even more space for the healing to begin.

3. Relinquish Control

Next, you have to relinquish any control of the situation. By being absent from the situation for a while, you can start to let go of the anger. But mindfulness isn’t about turning your back on a problem, it’s about being able to sit with it calmly and with acceptance. At some point you will have to face the person that causes you difficulty.

Trying to control the situation and trying to anticipate the people’s reactions to things (such as treating others as you hope to be treated) doesn’t always work. In trying to control the situation by anticipating their every whim and need and in hoping that your efforts will be rewarded, will just set yourself up for a fall.

One way to avoid that is to completely accept that we have no real way of changing how people treat us or what they say to us. All of that is totally outside of our control. Trying to change or control someone is a very stressful thing in itself. So one way to take the stress out, is to give up trying to wrestle control of the situation. Stop trying to change the person, stop trying to change the way they think about anything, or their opinions of you. You have no control.

Stop trying to control the way a visit or encounter goes, stop trying to please, stop trying to head off any danger at the pass. Just go with the flow, allow them to make any decisions about how the day goes, let them take responsibility. Shrug off any issues and just say “I’m happy to do whatever.” Relinquish control entirely.

Because the only thing we really have any control over in our life is our own thoughts. So instead you have to focus on yourself and say: “How can I change the way I think about this person?” Never forget you have a choice in this matter. We can choose to be irritated, disappointed or stressed by these difficult people. We can let their criticisms upset us. We can let their rudeness pierce our hearts.

We can also choose to ignore them completely or cut them out of our lives entirely. But again, this is just a form of denial and not mindful at all. Or you can go the mindful route which is to actually send them love.

The best example of this is from Nelson Mandela. When he was imprisoned, he realised he had no control over his terrible situation and he had no control over the way the guards treated him. But instead of hating his guards, he chose to say kind words to them, and to treat them with loving kindness. He thought kind thoughts about them and asked them about their lives. He tried to make connections with them instead of isolating himself. Not only did this make his imprisonment more bearable, but in the end the guards developed such a loyalty to him that when he was released one of the guards actually became his personal bodyguard. That is a magnificent example of having no control except for feelings, and choosing loving kindness in that instance. Because when you are consistently kind and unrelentingly pleasant to people, it becomes much harder for them to be nasty to you. You are appealing to their better nature. You are being your best self, and in doing so, you are leaving the way open for them to do the same.

In Christian terms this kind of idea would be called loving your enemy. In Buddhism it is called sending “metta” or “loving kindness” to someone. (There is a very effective Mindfulness practice called “metta bhavana” to help you with this which I’ll outline for you later.)

4. Change your Expression

There’s the old adage that whatever you give, you get back tenfold. And very often when we deal with difficult people we can’t help but come at them in either an aggressive or defensive manner – either consciously or subconsciously. When people feel they are being attacked or threatened, a natural reaction is to give as good as they get. So just think to yourself: “How does my face look when I see this person?” If you know your face is tense or scowling, then the difficult person will automatically pick up on that and just mirror your expression.

We are such sensitive creatures that even micro-expressions can be picked up by humans. A slight wince, or a grimace instead of a smile, can be detected immediately. So you may have to “fake it till you make it” at first and employ all your acting abilities to make sure your face is showing a glowing, welcoming expression.

Then see how they react back. They might be surprised at first. But just keep at it and maybe back up your expression with an authentic compliment. See how you can change the atmosphere by keeping it light and full of smiles.

5. Stop bitching about them

When we talk in a negative way about someone, we are allowing negative feelings to bloom and multiply. There are times when we feel we need to get these feelings off our chests by speaking about them to someone sympathetic to us. But not only does this do absolutely no good, it also makes us feel justified and self-righteous (not a pretty stance) and also, in all probability, bores the hell out of other people.

Going over the same old stuff again and again – even if your difficult person seems to come up with new ways to torture you – is never going to do anything other than give precious time and space to unpleasant feelings. If we constantly talk about them to friends and family and ruminate over why they behave in such surprising and incomprehensible ways it only creates pressure, upset and more pain. It’s like picking a scab. It feels satisfying at the time but it means the wound keeps bleeding. At some point you have to let the scab alone, so the wound can heal.

6. Stop Judging

Mindfulness means “moment to moment non-judgemental awareness”. That means leaving the past behind, not worrying about the future, just being aware of what is happening in the present moment and not judging yourself or other people. We are all guilty of judgement at some point, and when someone does not share our values it’s really hard not to let that element of judgement come creeping in.

However, thinking kindly towards them and wondering about what may have happened to them in their pasts to make them act that way, allows you to have some compassion for them. Seeing them as a person who is just like you – who perhaps had a difficult childhood and who is struggling and trying to find their way in the world – allows you to feel emotions other than anger or resentment. Try not to let that compassion tip over into pity (as that has a condescending element to it) but just open your heart to let in some positive aspects of their personalities shine through.

List their good qualities and focus on them. Breathe deeply as you bring to mind their smiling faces. Remember a joyful moment with them and capture that like a polaroid picture in your mind.

We all have our faults, we have all made mistakes. So now is the time to start letting some forgiveness in for them. Think about how we are all actually connected – we are all made of star-stuff, the same matter that came from the Big Bang created us all. We are all fragile creatures and we all deserve love. Even the difficult ones.

7. Don’t Expect Anything Back

I once heard the comedian Simon Amstell say an incredibly wise thing about dealing with relatives. He said that he got on much better with his parents once he realised he needed to stop expecting them to be any different from the last time he saw them.

We all want to think people are capable of change, that one day they will wake up and be the people we want them to be or need them to be. But once you make your peace with the fact that there are some people in life who are never going to change, who will never realise the mistakes they’ve made or apologise to you, then you can start from a place of wisdom and peace. Never expect a visit to go any better – no matter how much you hope and wish and pray and prepare for it.

All you can do is expect the best from yourself. And never expect to get anything back.

8. Loving Kindness Practice

This practice is a Buddhist exercise called “metta bhavana” that can really help us to encourage feelings of loving kindness towards a difficult person. So as well as thinking of the difficult person in your life, you also need to think of one friend that you love dearly.

So have you got those two people in your head? Let’s begin:

Sit in a comfortable and relaxed manner. Take two or three deep breaths with slow, long and complete exhalations. Let go of any concerns or preoccupations. For a few minutes, feel or imagine the breath moving through the center of your chest - in the area of your heart.

Metta is first practiced toward oneself, since we often have difficulty loving others without first loving ourselves. Sitting quietly, mentally repeat, slowly and steadily, the following or similar phrases:

May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful.

While you say these phrases, allow yourself to sink into the intentions they express. Loving-kindness meditation consists primarily of connecting to the intention of wishing ourselves or others happiness. However, if feelings of warmth, friendliness, or love arise in the body or mind, connect to them, allowing them to grow as you repeat the phrases. As an aid to the meditation, you might hold an image of yourself in your mind's eye. This helps reinforce the intentions expressed in the phrases.

May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful

Just feel that deeply.

May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful

So now after a period of directing loving-kindness toward yourself (which I hope feels good for you and it would be good for you to remember that), bring to mind a friend or someone in your life who has deeply cared for you. Then slowly repeat phrases of loving-kindness toward them: